August blog

Hello all, sorry it has been so long since I have written. Things continue to be in state of change. I have been hoping things would be more consistent for a while and to write from a larger stable platform. But, I give up. “The only constant is change”- indeed.
My perspective on life and health continues to waiver between hopefulness and hopelessness. I get sad, ashamed and surprised by the hopelessness. Seems like I have a lot to live for- lots more to learn, lots of love to give and receive, milestones of my family to witness, beautiful places to see, more beautiful days to experience, etc. All of that- love, family, nature, help to keep me going.
However, the physical discomfort, pain, inability to do much, and the confusion/delirium/spaceyness that the pain meds keep me in are really discouraging and depressing. I have considerably more pain- mostly in my left shoulder and collarbone, which require taking more pain meds. I am pretty much one armed/one handed, as any movement of my left arm hurts. Desiring to be active I continue to walk, bike, sail, and putter some. I fell off my bike going about 3 mph (when my chain tangled itself) onto my left side, which further injured my left shoulder and caused new pains in my left hip. The cancer seems to be causing pretty rapid deterioration of my bones, which then get damaged easily and causes pain in the muscles and ligaments as they try to compensate. Recent x-rays show considerable damage. As for my blood, my red counts are very low, requiring more blood transfusions.
I am tired of the constant health challenges, expensive and timely medical procedures, pills, etc. I am tired. (period) I sleep 12 hours at night then 2 hours in the afternoon, which makes for a very short day. Tired and in discomfort- not a great way to live.
I have tried a few new promising healing methods- pills, medicinal plants, acupuncture, and new Chi Gong moves all of which seem to have helped me to live this long. I believe most in the Chi Gong and lying on the ground.
I am doing so much soul searching about my beliefs- whether I want to be alive, what I believe will help me to be healed, what is important to me, how to spend what seems like only a few waking hours during my last months in this bodily form, what will happen after my last breath, and on many other levels. I am really wrestling with rewriting my will. I am very troubled by how few answers I have. And my thinking is quite impaired by the drugs. Here it seems like a time that I need to make some really important decisions yet am not able to think clearly- very frustrating and scary.
Tara and I are going off sailing for a few days to celebrate our second anniversary and to have some time alone! Yeah! After that, I intend to do some retreats- have some time alone to try to gain some clarity about the many seemingly pressing issues. And I want to spend more time with my children. Yet, there is much that draws me toward responsibility things- including cleaning out my house on head of Tide Rd, so it can be rented or sold.
I can’t seem to find any auto pilot/default way to live. Each day seems so important. And I get so little done each day- being so spaced and depressed and in pain.
Finding the balance of pain and delirium is difficult (i.e., how much pain meds to take).
I’m having lots of dreams, most of which are distressing. I have days where death feels very near and days when it seems very far away; days when I would welcome death and days I am angry death feels near.
The allopathic community is very discouraging (as I have mentioned about looking at lab test results and x-rays…). The alternative healers continue to be encouraging. Yet, I have a pull to rely on the doctors. Their view seems more accurate, and helps to explain my experience (as I feel pretty bad most of the time). Yet, part of me wants to believe in and pursue healing. I continue to believe that what I think is what happens, and so I continue to try to think positive thoughts, though I am having less and less success at this as time goes on.
I am so grateful that my parents, children and grandson live nearby! I do treasure my family. Lots of us had a sweet reunion at Stone’s Point, ME a couple of weeks ago.
I will try to write every 2 weeks or when there are significant changes..
Love, humbly, David
Hope your quality of life is high, that you are enjoying summer, feeling more clear and settled inside than me, and giving and receiving lots of love. It has been gorgeous here in Maine! Such a blessing for all!