Hello all, invisible caring community, that feels very far away today, yet I know isn't.
This update is coming a little sooner than the past, but still not very quickly. I hope you'll remember the adage, "No news is good news"for this blog..
I am writing again just before Tara and I go off for some alone, retreat time- sailing if the weather is conducive. We had a wonderful 2 days in August. We hope to have a repeat but longer duo time. And hopefully, I will experience some improvements before we go.
Warning from Tara and David: the following blog contains a potent dose of negativity, it's the mind at it's most miserable, on paper. Approved for select audiences only, those who can remember that ease is only a thought away, and that there's a lot more to David (and all of us) than what may appear to be true. If you forget, you might try breathing deeply and then remembering something you or David can be grateful for. For instance, we are likely sailing when you read this, pretty amazing and sweet given all the options that life presents to people all over the world, and to David 7 years ago and then again 5 months ago . . .and that's not to say this isn't hard, it is. It's just that, as our friend Chrissy says, "Life includes sweet, sour and bitter ". Sometimes we have to look a little longer to find the sweet, but it's always there . . . so remember to breathe . . .
At the moment this getting ready to die business sucks. I go through ups and downs and at the moment it's a down. I am quite depressed. I feel lonely, worthless, scared, sad, inadequate, confused, yuck! even though I spent most of the day with people, which is usually helps me feel good. I cried as I drove places. It seems that I am getting more negative, discouraged, etc. So, I'd like to die sooner than later given that trend. I am scared that I might get more negative. I hate being this way. I want people to remember me as being bright, enthusiastic, etc. But if this (negative outlook) gets worse or lasts long, I'm afraid I'll be remembered as grumpy,.. yikes!
I can't seem to get my spiritual life together.. and yes I am in considerable pain- shoulder, hip, back, and now mouth pain, with digestive issues,... I had a 27-hour stay at the hospital last week to deal with fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and low blood counts. A bunch of IVs and 2 units of blood and I was out the door, tired, but glad to be back to regular life- or sort of. (It is a bit disturbing how comfortable I feel in the hospital. I feel so safe and cared for. I slept for most of the 27 hours, a liberty I don't take when at home. I often feel like sleeping all day.)
I am really having difficulty figuring out how to live (how to figure out how to spend my very few productive hours each day), and I sure am not dying (at least declining quickly or being bed-ridden).
Seems like spending time with family and friends is what is important; however so does doing spiritual/healing practice; and so does getting my affairs (paperwork) in order; as does laughing and watching funny movies; and yet, I need to make food, clean up after myself, and other mundane tasks that take more and more time the worse I feel. I feel overwhelmed by just about everything. It sucks! I really don't want to spread my pessimistic view of life. So, I feel dangerous to be around.
And yet, outwardly I seem fine. I look tan and quite good. I asked a gentleman to carry my groceries to my car and he gave me this totally dumbfounded look. I explained to him that I had a sore back and hips that made it painful to lift and walk. He was in disbelief. It is quite confusing, to me and others.. Though I am looking a little disfigured these days, having swollen cheeks from taking steroids, and an inflated belly from poor digestion. I can fake feeling good. Or perhaps I tend to feel good for the short times I am with others.
My old junior high/high school buddy, Mika Brewer came up this past weekend from Boston. He was surprised how able-bodied I am. He dug holes and we put up the clothes line (that Tara and I built), just after the rains of Hurricane Earl ended. And we sailed both days- wonderful. I didn't let on to him how much pain I was in, or how discouraged I am. I got to sail another day (and appeared quite normal and happy) last week with some of my parents best friends from St. Mary's City, Md., Marcia and Dave. With others help, we got my old house cleaned up enough so that some youthful new mom tenants could move in! yeah! glad to have it occupied.
Wow, that sounds like I have done quite a lot, yet to me it feels like I have had a lot of minimal accomplishment days, doing nothing and often seeing healthcare people.
Upcoming events: Anna and Seth are due Sept. 27, they will get married Oct. 9 if they have their baby and are feeling well. Just yesterday they moved into their small apartment next door to Lucretia!, who is due late Oct.
I hope you are well, and having love and laughter and wisdom in your life.. blessings, David.. Hope you are doing a lot better than me.
