A New Baby!!!!!

I almost forgot, David had wanted me to post this a few days ago, but I've been sick with a nasty cold.

David's son Seth, and his partner Anna had a beautiful baby girl named Ada Ruth on the equinox, Tuesday September 22nd!!! She had a quick and straightforward birth at home with mom Chris as midwife, weighed 8 lbs 3 oz, and is doing great!! In these photos, she is about 11 hrs old. A couple days later, David got to hold her and said he feels a comraderie with her, that she is just arriving, and is a bit between worlds, and he is leaving and also feels between worlds. It's been wonderful for him to greet this baby girl.

Into Hospice Care

Hi All,

I'm writing today to say that David has declined significantly in the past 24 hrs. He is in tremendous pain, needs support to walk, is delusional at times and is very slow to process information. We saw his doctor yesterday and determined that it's time to get support for being home, support with meds and home care, a hospital bed and wheelchair, etc. He now needs someone with him 24 hrs a day. There is no way to know if he will continue to decline quickly, or if things will stabilize and he'll have peaceful, awake and aware times in the weeks to come.

Visits are welcomed, and soup, and phone calls. If you want to plan to help with coverage, please let me know- calls would be best for that. 207-338-9999. Thank you and much love to you. Tara

Early September

Hello all, invisible caring community, that feels very far away today, yet I know isn't.
This update is coming a little sooner than the past, but still not very quickly. I hope you'll remember the adage, "No news is good news"for this blog..
I am writing again just before Tara and I go off for some alone, retreat time- sailing if the weather is conducive. We had a wonderful 2 days in August. We hope to have a repeat but longer duo time. And hopefully, I will experience some improvements before we go.

Warning from Tara and David: the following blog contains a potent dose of negativity, it's the mind at it's most miserable, on paper. Approved for select audiences only, those who can remember that ease is only a thought away, and that there's a lot more to David (and all of us) than what may appear to be true. If you forget, you might try breathing deeply and then remembering something you or David can be grateful for. For instance, we are likely sailing when you read this, pretty amazing and sweet given all the options that life presents to people all over the world, and to David 7 years ago and then again 5 months ago . . .and that's not to say this isn't hard, it is. It's just that, as our friend Chrissy says, "Life includes sweet, sour and bitter ". Sometimes we have to look a little longer to find the sweet, but it's always there . . . so remember to breathe . . .

At the moment this getting ready to die business sucks. I go through ups and downs and at the moment it's a down. I am quite depressed. I feel lonely, worthless, scared, sad, inadequate, confused, yuck! even though I spent most of the day with people, which is usually helps me feel good. I cried as I drove places. It seems that I am getting more negative, discouraged, etc. So, I'd like to die sooner than later given that trend. I am scared that I might get more negative. I hate being this way. I want people to remember me as being bright, enthusiastic, etc. But if this (negative outlook) gets worse or lasts long, I'm afraid I'll be remembered as grumpy,.. yikes!

I can't seem to get my spiritual life together.. and yes I am in considerable pain- shoulder, hip, back, and now mouth pain, with digestive issues,... I had a 27-hour stay at the hospital last week to deal with fever, vomiting, diarrhea, and low blood counts. A bunch of IVs and 2 units of blood and I was out the door, tired, but glad to be back to regular life- or sort of. (It is a bit disturbing how comfortable I feel in the hospital. I feel so safe and cared for. I slept for most of the 27 hours, a liberty I don't take when at home. I often feel like sleeping all day.)

I am really having difficulty figuring out how to live (how to figure out how to spend my very few productive hours each day), and I sure am not dying (at least declining quickly or being bed-ridden).
Seems like spending time with family and friends is what is important; however so does doing spiritual/healing practice; and so does getting my affairs (paperwork) in order; as does laughing and watching funny movies; and yet, I need to make food, clean up after myself, and other mundane tasks that take more and more time the worse I feel. I feel overwhelmed by just about everything. It sucks! I really don't want to spread my pessimistic view of life. So, I feel dangerous to be around.
And yet, outwardly I seem fine. I look tan and quite good. I asked a gentleman to carry my groceries to my car and he gave me this totally dumbfounded look. I explained to him that I had a sore back and hips that made it painful to lift and walk. He was in disbelief. It is quite confusing, to me and others.. Though I am looking a little disfigured these days, having swollen cheeks from taking steroids, and an inflated belly from poor digestion. I can fake feeling good. Or perhaps I tend to feel good for the short times I am with others.
My old junior high/high school buddy, Mika Brewer came up this past weekend from Boston. He was surprised how able-bodied I am. He dug holes and we put up the clothes line (that Tara and I built), just after the rains of Hurricane Earl ended. And we sailed both days- wonderful. I didn't let on to him how much pain I was in, or how discouraged I am. I got to sail another day (and appeared quite normal and happy) last week with some of my parents best friends from St. Mary's City, Md., Marcia and Dave. With others help, we got my old house cleaned up enough so that some youthful new mom tenants could move in! yeah! glad to have it occupied.
Wow, that sounds like I have done quite a lot, yet to me it feels like I have had a lot of minimal accomplishment days, doing nothing and often seeing healthcare people.

Upcoming events: Anna and Seth are due Sept. 27, they will get married Oct. 9 if they have their baby and are feeling well. Just yesterday they moved into their small apartment next door to Lucretia!, who is due late Oct.

I hope you are well, and having love and laughter and wisdom in your life.. blessings, David.. Hope you are doing a lot better than me.

August blog

Hello all, sorry it has been so long since I have written. Things continue to be in state of change. I have been hoping things would be more consistent for a while and to write from a larger stable platform. But, I give up. “The only constant is change”- indeed.
My perspective on life and health continues to waiver between hopefulness and hopelessness. I get sad, ashamed and surprised by the hopelessness. Seems like I have a lot to live for- lots more to learn, lots of love to give and receive, milestones of my family to witness, beautiful places to see, more beautiful days to experience, etc. All of that- love, family, nature, help to keep me going.
However, the physical discomfort, pain, inability to do much, and the confusion/delirium/spaceyness that the pain meds keep me in are really discouraging and depressing. I have considerably more pain- mostly in my left shoulder and collarbone, which require taking more pain meds. I am pretty much one armed/one handed, as any movement of my left arm hurts. Desiring to be active I continue to walk, bike, sail, and putter some. I fell off my bike going about 3 mph (when my chain tangled itself) onto my left side, which further injured my left shoulder and caused new pains in my left hip. The cancer seems to be causing pretty rapid deterioration of my bones, which then get damaged easily and causes pain in the muscles and ligaments as they try to compensate. Recent x-rays show considerable damage. As for my blood, my red counts are very low, requiring more blood transfusions.
I am tired of the constant health challenges, expensive and timely medical procedures, pills, etc. I am tired. (period) I sleep 12 hours at night then 2 hours in the afternoon, which makes for a very short day. Tired and in discomfort- not a great way to live.
I have tried a few new promising healing methods- pills, medicinal plants, acupuncture, and new Chi Gong moves all of which seem to have helped me to live this long. I believe most in the Chi Gong and lying on the ground.
I am doing so much soul searching about my beliefs- whether I want to be alive, what I believe will help me to be healed, what is important to me, how to spend what seems like only a few waking hours during my last months in this bodily form, what will happen after my last breath, and on many other levels. I am really wrestling with rewriting my will. I am very troubled by how few answers I have. And my thinking is quite impaired by the drugs. Here it seems like a time that I need to make some really important decisions yet am not able to think clearly- very frustrating and scary.
Tara and I are going off sailing for a few days to celebrate our second anniversary and to have some time alone! Yeah! After that, I intend to do some retreats- have some time alone to try to gain some clarity about the many seemingly pressing issues. And I want to spend more time with my children. Yet, there is much that draws me toward responsibility things- including cleaning out my house on head of Tide Rd, so it can be rented or sold.
I can’t seem to find any auto pilot/default way to live. Each day seems so important. And I get so little done each day- being so spaced and depressed and in pain.
Finding the balance of pain and delirium is difficult (i.e., how much pain meds to take).
I’m having lots of dreams, most of which are distressing. I have days where death feels very near and days when it seems very far away; days when I would welcome death and days I am angry death feels near.
The allopathic community is very discouraging (as I have mentioned about looking at lab test results and x-rays…). The alternative healers continue to be encouraging. Yet, I have a pull to rely on the doctors. Their view seems more accurate, and helps to explain my experience (as I feel pretty bad most of the time). Yet, part of me wants to believe in and pursue healing. I continue to believe that what I think is what happens, and so I continue to try to think positive thoughts, though I am having less and less success at this as time goes on.
I am so grateful that my parents, children and grandson live nearby! I do treasure my family. Lots of us had a sweet reunion at Stone’s Point, ME a couple of weeks ago.
I will try to write every 2 weeks or when there are significant changes..
Love, humbly, David
Hope your quality of life is high, that you are enjoying summer, feeling more clear and settled inside than me, and giving and receiving lots of love. It has been gorgeous here in Maine! Such a blessing for all!

August blog

Hello all, sorry it has been so long since I have written. Things continue to be in state of change. I have been hoping things would be more consistent for a while and to write from a larger stable platform. But, I give up. “The only constant is change”- indeed.
My perspective on life and health continues to waiver between hopefulness and hopelessness. I get sad, ashamed and surprised by the hopelessness. Seems like I have a lot to live for- lots more to learn, lots of love to give and receive, milestones of my family to witness, beautiful places to see, more beautiful days to experience, etc. All of that- love, family, nature, help to keep me going.

However, the physical discomfort, pain, inability to do much, and the confusion/delirium/spaceyness that the pain meds keep me in are really discouraging and depressing. I have considerably more pain- mostly in my left shoulder and collarbone, which require taking more pain meds. I am pretty much one armed/one handed, as any movement of my left arm hurts. Desiring to be active I continue to walk, bike, sail, and putter some. I fell off my bike going about 3 mph (when my chain tangled itself) onto my left side, which further injured my left shoulder and caused new pains in my left hip. The cancer seems to be causing pretty rapid deterioration of my bones, which then get damaged easily and causes pain in the muscles and ligaments as they try to compensate. Recent x-rays show considerable damage.

As for my blood, my red counts are very low, requiring more blood transfusions.
I am tired of the constant health challenges, expensive and timely medical procedures, pills, etc. I am tired. (period) I sleep 12 hours at night then 2 hours in the afternoon, which makes for a very short day. Tired and in discomfort- not a great way to live.
I have tried a few new promising healing methods- pills, medicinal plants, acupuncture, and new Chi Gong moves all of which seem to have helped me to live this long. I believe most in the Chi Gong and lying on the ground.
I am doing so much soul searching about my beliefs- whether I want to be alive, what I believe will help me to be healed, what is important to me, how to spend what seems like only a few waking hours during my last months in this bodily form, what will happen after my last breath, and on many other levels. I am really wrestling with rewriting my will. I am very troubled by how few answers I have. And my thinking is quite impaired by the drugs. Here it seems like a time that I need to make some really important decisions yet am not able to think clearly- very frustrating and scary.
Tara and I are going off sailing for a few days to celebrate our second anniversary and to have some time alone! Yeah! After that, I intend to do some retreats- have some time alone to try to gain some clarity about the many seemingly pressing issues. And I want to spend more time with my children. Yet, there is much that draws me toward responsibility things- including cleaning out my house on head of Tide Rd, so it can be rented or sold.
I can’t seem to find any auto pilot/default way to live. Each day seems so important. And I get so little done each day- being so spaced and depressed and in pain.
Finding the balance of pain and delirium is difficult (i.e., how much pain meds to take).
I’m having lots of dreams, most of which are distressing. I have days where death feels very near and days when it seems very far away; days when I would welcome death and days I am angry death feels near.
The allopathic community is very discouraging (as I have mentioned about looking at lab test results and x-rays…). The alternative healers continue to be encouraging. Yet, I have a pull to rely on the doctors. Their view seems more accurate, and helps to explain my experience (as I feel pretty bad most of the time). Yet, part of me wants to believe in and pursue healing. I continue to believe that what I think is what happens, and so I continue to try to think positive thoughts, though I am having less and less success at this as time goes on.
I am so grateful that my parents, children and grandson live nearby! I do treasure my family. Lots of us had a sweet reunion at Stone’s Point, ME a couple of weeks ago.
I will try to write every 2 weeks or when there are significant changes..
Love, humbly, David
Hope your quality of life is high, that you are enjoying summer, feeling more clear and settled inside than me, and giving and receiving lots of love. It has been gorgeous here in Maine! Such a blessing for all!

Onward To Health!

June 15,
A lot has changed since I last (and first) wrote, as is usually the case with me. I am somewhat embarrassed about what I wrote then and also thankful for the changes that have occurred because of it. People have reached out with new ideas that have me optimistic- yeah!
All along it has been the allopathic world that has been concerned about me, and according to western medicine I have been considered very sick and most recently to be near death. The alternative healing community has continually seen me as healthy, resilient and doing well. I have worked at making sense of both and taking advantage of the best of both. I have been introduced to some new alternative healing medicines that seem very promising.
First I’d like to say something about how I got to the place of feeling like I was dying. I have come to believe over the years that we are 75% responsible for what happens in our lives- due to what we think, feel, and believe. Up until the last 2 days I could not think, feel or believe that I could get healthy. I have been so weak, tired, discouraged and focusing on lab results, weight loss (I got down to 130 pounds), doctors words, I just couldn’t focus on where I wanted to go (health, strength, well-being, long life). I had been in a prolonged physical, mental, and spiritual crisis. In my belief system since I was focusing on illness, weakness, etc. that is where I was headed.
Gradually, since the beginning of the blog, I have been taking in all the love, support and energy of all of you and there have been outward signs of improvement because of it! Most of you have seemed to agree with my sense of impending death- taking me seriously (which I have taken as love!, and caring). [I finally (after 2 months of being unable to) cried after reading a bunch of email responses. (I had recently gotten off some medication that was impinging on my ability to feel also.)] But a few people have come forward with strong convictions that I am not even close to death, not believing me at all. One of those was an acquaintance that I did not know was a medicine woman, shaman, healer who I will tell you about shortly. Having my blood test results show such miraculous, unexplainable improvements last week was really encouraging and began to shatter my sense of impending death. I began to believe in miracles again. I began to be able to take in a few people’s encouragement in this direction. In the last 2 days I have started to gain weight and my bowels have begun to work without lots of aides.
One of my energy healers, Martha Derbyshire, encouraged me to look into some supplements to help me. I called about them and was greatly encouraged by what I heard about the efficacy of them and have thus ordered them. Last night, Adam Stone and his wife Bella (pronounced Beja) came by to bring me some Peruvian rainforest medicinal plant parts. Bella is the medicine woman I spoke of a few sentences ago. I was fascinated to learn of Bella’s village’s belief that nothing is incurable. That one just has to find the right plant and use it and one will be healed. That plants have intelligence and the correct plant can work with the body to heal it! Adam and Bella felt strongly about a particular root that it would help me. I started taking it last night and felt better today than I have felt in months. Their words were very impactful and have shifted my outlook. Bella is convinced that I will not die soon, that I will be healed by the plants she has provided me. Adam and Bella’s beliefs about the efficacy of the plants due to them growing in virgin soil, their descriptions of the red sap that comes out of them when cut, their regeneration capabilities was very convincing to me.
So I am beginning to be able to visualize myself being healthy and strong! Yeah! There are outward demonstrations of positive change. Yeah!
Today, another healer friend, John Cardano, came by and we lay out on the lawn in the sun and talked. He helped me visualize my bone marrow in new profound ways. He has encouraged me to go inward more, to make my health my #1 priority. (Believe it or not I still will sacrifice my health to do projects, be responsible, please others, or for other reasons.) I have a renewed commitment to taking the time to go inside and connect with my body, love it, be accepting of it, and have fun with it. With this commitment, which includes resting a lot more, I may not be as responsive to you all. I may be more inward, selfish, and self-caring.
I welcome you to join me once again in being healthy and vibrant and living a long time.
Oh, and something you could do for me, when we are together or on the phone, is to initiate having some meditative silence. I long to doing healing practice (silence, Chi Gong, yoga, visualization, breathing…) with others, yet I am usually shy/reluctant to initiate doing so. If you would initiate it, I would be very grateful- if only for a minute or even a few seconds. A simple yet powerful gift to me.
There is much more I wish to share and it is sleeping time. Enough for now.
I apologize for what now seems like it may have been unnecessary drama. I am also thankful that what has happened has happened. I am very glad to be where I am now. And if it has been emotionally costly to you, I'm sorry.
Onward to life, learning, growth, healing and fun!
Much love, David

As promised, the earth prayer

Here is the info about how to share our healing energy with the Earth. It is beautifully written, complex and simple too. I hope it serves you as we each do our part to find our way with the things in life that astound us.

June 5, 2010

Hello Friends~

I am writing this to make a request…

Background

~Chances are good you have heard about the oil that is gushing into the Gulf of Mexico at a rapid rate as I type this and you read this.

I do not know all of the details, nor do I need to know about how many thousands or millions of gallons/hour is currently gushing. What I do know is that this has the potential to be considered the worst environmental disaster in my lifetime.

I do not know what feelings this situation is creating within you…Aloofness? Grief? Anger? Confusion? Shock? Fear? No feelings whatsoever?

I support you in allowing whatever is, to be.

My Request

Regardless of our feeling or non-feeling response to this current matter, I personally believe in the power of visualization & prayer, and have chosen to invite you to join me.

Below I have created twelve steps that can take as little as 1 minute or many to step through. I invite you to relax & take a deep breath before you read through it. If you do not choose to take the time to read all 12, I ask that you read step 10.

Thank you for your presence and willingness to be alive at this time.

1. I invite my feelings about this situation to be, no matter what.
2. I see my own behavior and personal reliance on oil powered machines and automobiles in my life and accept my role & responsibility in creating this situation.
3. I extend forgiveness to myself for this.
4. In honoring life’s balance, I let go of controlling anything regarding this situation.
5. Again, I ask for forgiveness. This time for being powerless.
6. I sit with this dichotomy. Full responsibility & no control.
7. I breathe deeply and allow myself to sigh, cry, feel, or whatever may come up.
8. If I believe in a Higher Power, I ask for its deep true presence to be with me.
9. I recognize the current situation as it has been in reality and bring up any images that come to mind regarding it. i.e. gushing oil, oily shores, oily plant or animal life.
10. I give thanks for being alive and living on earth and I visualize, pray, meditate or simply wish that a solution is found that will stop the oil that is currently flowing into the Gulf of Mexico. I see the oil stop flowing directly into the Gulf of Mexico. I give thanks for this.
11. I visualize plants and marine life and other animals diverted from the oil. I see solutions being created and implemented that have lasting solutions to this disaster. I see people working together to restore & create. I see myself and others changing our behavior in our reliance on fossil fuels. I see myself driving less, walking & riding my bike, I see myself living in town and taking the bus. I see clean energy solutions being created and utilized in beneficial ways.
12. I come back to what is in this present moment, breathe deeply, acknowledge where I am sitting, and let go of when, where and whether my prayers are heard.

Please feel free to share this with others. May we continue to find ways to honor & celebrate the journey of this human life on earth and find solutions for living here in harmony.

~Deepest thanks~ Marie Poland