Onward To Health!

June 15,
A lot has changed since I last (and first) wrote, as is usually the case with me. I am somewhat embarrassed about what I wrote then and also thankful for the changes that have occurred because of it. People have reached out with new ideas that have me optimistic- yeah!
All along it has been the allopathic world that has been concerned about me, and according to western medicine I have been considered very sick and most recently to be near death. The alternative healing community has continually seen me as healthy, resilient and doing well. I have worked at making sense of both and taking advantage of the best of both. I have been introduced to some new alternative healing medicines that seem very promising.
First I’d like to say something about how I got to the place of feeling like I was dying. I have come to believe over the years that we are 75% responsible for what happens in our lives- due to what we think, feel, and believe. Up until the last 2 days I could not think, feel or believe that I could get healthy. I have been so weak, tired, discouraged and focusing on lab results, weight loss (I got down to 130 pounds), doctors words, I just couldn’t focus on where I wanted to go (health, strength, well-being, long life). I had been in a prolonged physical, mental, and spiritual crisis. In my belief system since I was focusing on illness, weakness, etc. that is where I was headed.
Gradually, since the beginning of the blog, I have been taking in all the love, support and energy of all of you and there have been outward signs of improvement because of it! Most of you have seemed to agree with my sense of impending death- taking me seriously (which I have taken as love!, and caring). [I finally (after 2 months of being unable to) cried after reading a bunch of email responses. (I had recently gotten off some medication that was impinging on my ability to feel also.)] But a few people have come forward with strong convictions that I am not even close to death, not believing me at all. One of those was an acquaintance that I did not know was a medicine woman, shaman, healer who I will tell you about shortly. Having my blood test results show such miraculous, unexplainable improvements last week was really encouraging and began to shatter my sense of impending death. I began to believe in miracles again. I began to be able to take in a few people’s encouragement in this direction. In the last 2 days I have started to gain weight and my bowels have begun to work without lots of aides.
One of my energy healers, Martha Derbyshire, encouraged me to look into some supplements to help me. I called about them and was greatly encouraged by what I heard about the efficacy of them and have thus ordered them. Last night, Adam Stone and his wife Bella (pronounced Beja) came by to bring me some Peruvian rainforest medicinal plant parts. Bella is the medicine woman I spoke of a few sentences ago. I was fascinated to learn of Bella’s village’s belief that nothing is incurable. That one just has to find the right plant and use it and one will be healed. That plants have intelligence and the correct plant can work with the body to heal it! Adam and Bella felt strongly about a particular root that it would help me. I started taking it last night and felt better today than I have felt in months. Their words were very impactful and have shifted my outlook. Bella is convinced that I will not die soon, that I will be healed by the plants she has provided me. Adam and Bella’s beliefs about the efficacy of the plants due to them growing in virgin soil, their descriptions of the red sap that comes out of them when cut, their regeneration capabilities was very convincing to me.
So I am beginning to be able to visualize myself being healthy and strong! Yeah! There are outward demonstrations of positive change. Yeah!
Today, another healer friend, John Cardano, came by and we lay out on the lawn in the sun and talked. He helped me visualize my bone marrow in new profound ways. He has encouraged me to go inward more, to make my health my #1 priority. (Believe it or not I still will sacrifice my health to do projects, be responsible, please others, or for other reasons.) I have a renewed commitment to taking the time to go inside and connect with my body, love it, be accepting of it, and have fun with it. With this commitment, which includes resting a lot more, I may not be as responsive to you all. I may be more inward, selfish, and self-caring.
I welcome you to join me once again in being healthy and vibrant and living a long time.
Oh, and something you could do for me, when we are together or on the phone, is to initiate having some meditative silence. I long to doing healing practice (silence, Chi Gong, yoga, visualization, breathing…) with others, yet I am usually shy/reluctant to initiate doing so. If you would initiate it, I would be very grateful- if only for a minute or even a few seconds. A simple yet powerful gift to me.
There is much more I wish to share and it is sleeping time. Enough for now.
I apologize for what now seems like it may have been unnecessary drama. I am also thankful that what has happened has happened. I am very glad to be where I am now. And if it has been emotionally costly to you, I'm sorry.
Onward to life, learning, growth, healing and fun!
Much love, David

As promised, the earth prayer

Here is the info about how to share our healing energy with the Earth. It is beautifully written, complex and simple too. I hope it serves you as we each do our part to find our way with the things in life that astound us.

June 5, 2010

Hello Friends~

I am writing this to make a request…

Background

~Chances are good you have heard about the oil that is gushing into the Gulf of Mexico at a rapid rate as I type this and you read this.

I do not know all of the details, nor do I need to know about how many thousands or millions of gallons/hour is currently gushing. What I do know is that this has the potential to be considered the worst environmental disaster in my lifetime.

I do not know what feelings this situation is creating within you…Aloofness? Grief? Anger? Confusion? Shock? Fear? No feelings whatsoever?

I support you in allowing whatever is, to be.

My Request

Regardless of our feeling or non-feeling response to this current matter, I personally believe in the power of visualization & prayer, and have chosen to invite you to join me.

Below I have created twelve steps that can take as little as 1 minute or many to step through. I invite you to relax & take a deep breath before you read through it. If you do not choose to take the time to read all 12, I ask that you read step 10.

Thank you for your presence and willingness to be alive at this time.

1. I invite my feelings about this situation to be, no matter what.
2. I see my own behavior and personal reliance on oil powered machines and automobiles in my life and accept my role & responsibility in creating this situation.
3. I extend forgiveness to myself for this.
4. In honoring life’s balance, I let go of controlling anything regarding this situation.
5. Again, I ask for forgiveness. This time for being powerless.
6. I sit with this dichotomy. Full responsibility & no control.
7. I breathe deeply and allow myself to sigh, cry, feel, or whatever may come up.
8. If I believe in a Higher Power, I ask for its deep true presence to be with me.
9. I recognize the current situation as it has been in reality and bring up any images that come to mind regarding it. i.e. gushing oil, oily shores, oily plant or animal life.
10. I give thanks for being alive and living on earth and I visualize, pray, meditate or simply wish that a solution is found that will stop the oil that is currently flowing into the Gulf of Mexico. I see the oil stop flowing directly into the Gulf of Mexico. I give thanks for this.
11. I visualize plants and marine life and other animals diverted from the oil. I see solutions being created and implemented that have lasting solutions to this disaster. I see people working together to restore & create. I see myself and others changing our behavior in our reliance on fossil fuels. I see myself driving less, walking & riding my bike, I see myself living in town and taking the bus. I see clean energy solutions being created and utilized in beneficial ways.
12. I come back to what is in this present moment, breathe deeply, acknowledge where I am sitting, and let go of when, where and whether my prayers are heard.

Please feel free to share this with others. May we continue to find ways to honor & celebrate the journey of this human life on earth and find solutions for living here in harmony.

~Deepest thanks~ Marie Poland

Prayers get answered

Hi All,

Just wanted you to know that David's latest bloodtest results look miraculously good! Yay!! Red blood cell counts are up, white's are up, platelets are up, etc. And so we wonder, is it the sailing with joyful loved ones, or all the prayers and love sent by you beautiful people that are making the difference? That is one mystery we won't know the answer to. We are simply grateful and David is hopeful he'll have a summer to enjoy here in Maine. So we walk the line between doing what we can to influence the course of life, and yielding to what is occuring when that is most peaceful. We've both had times of anger this week, David about his body shrinking in front of his eyes, me thinking it's unfair this is happening. We can sustain that for brief periods, and then ease becomes more appealing, and so we try to move on. Luckily there's lots of support. I was reminded today that this experience with David is not so unlike the oil spill in the gulf. It's overwhelming, confusing, scary, incomprehensible, and can seem so big that shutting down emotionally is an appropriate response. But what if David is going to live a little longer because a bunch of caring people sent him healing energy? If it makes a difference for David, it can make a difference for our much loved Planet Earth. So please add the earth to your prayers, envision her healthy and vibrant. I've found myself saying "Thank you for the healing" as I drift off to sleep (it's nice and all-inclusive- I'm in there too with a sore shoulder or a heavy heart). I read something beautiful today with more details about healing the earth. If I can find the source, I'll include it next time. Remember we're all in this together. And thanks again for your loving energetic contributions!! Blessings, Tara

Essential BM's

We appreciate the sweet emails and comments that have come to us. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your love.

David had chemo last thursday, and lately that's been slowing or shutting down his digestive/elimination system. He reported yesterday that he hadn't had a bowel movement for 4 days. 4 days! He was feeling pretty crummy. Remember that song about not appreciating what we have till it's gone. Most of us don't think much about our hearts pumping, or lungs moving oxygen in and out, or tiny cilia moving digested food through a football field sized channel, using what they want, and passing out the rest. Our bodies are so amazing. And at some point they stop.

Last night after another day of no bowel function, I was concerned about what the morning would bring. I prayed as I waited for sleep listening to the gurgling of digestive sounds next to me, that David would sleep, and that he would poop, in any order. This morning with the help of a few doses of magnesium and a pressurized water enema David passed quite a lot of stool, still feels poorly but is expecting to feel better soon and be up and functioning today. And if he hadn't, would he choose to go to the hospital? At what point does a person stop going to the hospital, or go there and not come out? David says he'd prefer to die outside, then home or hospital, he doesn't have a preference. I've noticed he's pretty comfortable in hospitals, and less afraid there because there's lots of support for all that is needed. I'd prefer to avoid them. How about you?

This is our morning. David is resting now. Today friends are coming from Portland for a visit. We will take Cosmos out for a few hours. Visits are welcome, and if you haven't seen our pretty renovated old farmhouse, come enjoy it with us sometime. As I write this at the kitchen table there's warm sunshine coming through the windows, and a handsome siamese cat purring at my back.

love, Tara

Singing

Sing, everyone sing! David shared this morning that he's lost his ability to sing, and also to yell "yahoo!" I didn't realize that would end before the end, did you? Speaking of the end, we are wishing we'd named this blog "David's next adventure" instead of last, because we're hearing that it's pretty sweet over on the other side (see Maria's comment if you haven't already). Who knows, this might not nearly be the last adventure, just his last one in the body, here with us. I had the hardest cry I've had in months yesterday realizing how incredibly sweet it's been to be so close with David, to feel at home, listened to, loved and deeply connected. I can't believe that it's going to be over so soon. Luckily David was there to snuggle with me, and share that moment too. Two years with this treasure of a man isn't nearly as long as I'd hoped it would be. So sing while your voice is your own, and yell "yahoo!", for yourself and for David.

Cosmos gets in the water!

Let's get that boat in the water!

June 3d

Hi all,

Thanks for the wonderful notes. It is so powerful to hear how our community see this dieing thing, and the love we have for each other.

People have wondered if David is super-sick right now, so wanting to clear that up. He's actually up and around quite a bit most days, still driving, cooking, making phone calls, reminding me where tools are when I forget.

We're actually working on launching the sailboat he purchase earlier this year. When his son Seth heard the days were likely numbered, he said "Well damn it Dad, if you're going to kick off, we need to get your boat in the water! You've wanted your own boat for years, let's at least get on it!" So we will, and hope for some sweet days on the ocean.

love, Tara

Wed. June 2- deciding to stop treatment

Hello, thanks for visiting my/our blog about my final journey in this life- entering consciously into dying. We'll try to update this as significant things occur (when David goes to Alaska, sails across the Atlantic...:) ).

A little history: I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow) cancer 7 yrs ago, with an expected life span of a few months. I thought I would die then, and was getting ready to, but then noticed I really wanted to live and was willing to do intense treatments to gain some more time with the people I love. I'm grateful to have had these years with chunks of good quality of life mixed in with treatments to keep me alive. At times I've hope to be free of cancer all together, but that is not to be. It now appears that I've exhausted all the options. The cancer was very active this winter. I was mostly dealing with and thinking about how to deal with the cancer up until I got pneumonia and had a high fever in March in Florida. Then my bowels stopped working in early April, due to a twist in my colon. April 12 I had a very successful, uncomplicated surgery to untwist it. The incision goes from my pubic bone to my diaphram, and has been very painful. I started on pain meds just after surgery and have been on them since. (I am not my usual emotional self being on the meds. I miss my emotions....It is dubious that I will ever not be without pain meds at this point and thus may never think and feel clear again- I mourn this loss!). The cancer continued to be active and I continued to get chemo treatments since surgery. Each chemo treatment has been less effective and more damaging to my white blood cell, red blood cell counts, bowels and kidneys. I have been needing blood transfusions a couple times a week recently- not a sustainable way to live.

I love you!

Yesterday, June 1, my oncologist, who I really like and respect, recommended stopping treatment and getting hospice involved. Well, I'm not quite ready to stop the treatment. I will have chemo this afternoon and more blood. Maybe one more treatment next week, depending on how this one goes..

thanks for being in my life!

I am tired. I am worn out. I can be up energized for a few hours and then it is nap time. 12 or 13 hours of sleep at night plus a couple hours nap. My body just seems to be done. My bone marrow can't seem to make the necessary white and red blood cells and platelets.

We'll see how I do.. I'm likely to die of some infection (pneumonia), kidney failure, a broken heart, some bowel issue or who knows. probably in weeks, maybe, hopefully months. I sure would like to see my 2 new grandbabies be born (Sept and Oct.).. but I am not confident of living that long. I may have a last hurrah left in me, as I live and stop doing chemo and seeing so many doctors.. sailing more, etc.

thanks for your caring and support.

lots of love, DAvid