A little history: I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (bone marrow) cancer 7 yrs ago, with an expected life span of a few months. I thought I would die then, and was getting ready to, but then noticed I really wanted to live and was willing to do intense treatments to gain some more time with the people I love. I'm grateful to have had these years with chunks of good quality of life mixed in with treatments to keep me alive. At times I've hope to be free of cancer all together, but that is not to be. It now appears that I've exhausted all the options. The cancer was very active this winter. I was mostly dealing with and thinking about how to deal with the cancer up until I got pneumonia and had a high fever in March in Florida. Then my bowels stopped working in early April, due to a twist in my colon. April 12 I had a very successful, uncomplicated surgery to untwist it. The incision goes from my pubic bone to my diaphram, and has been very painful. I started on pain meds just after surgery and have been on them since. (I am not my usual emotional self being on the meds. I miss my emotions....It is dubious that I will ever not be without pain meds at this point and thus may never think and feel clear again- I mourn this loss!). The cancer continued to be active and I continued to get chemo treatments since surgery. Each chemo treatment has been less effective and more damaging to my white blood cell, red blood cell counts, bowels and kidneys. I have been needing blood transfusions a couple times a week recently- not a sustainable way to live.
I love you!
Yesterday, June 1, my oncologist, who I really like and respect, recommended stopping treatment and getting hospice involved. Well, I'm not quite ready to stop the treatment. I will have chemo this afternoon and more blood. Maybe one more treatment next week, depending on how this one goes..
thanks for being in my life!
I am tired. I am worn out. I can be up energized for a few hours and then it is nap time. 12 or 13 hours of sleep at night plus a couple hours nap. My body just seems to be done. My bone marrow can't seem to make the necessary white and red blood cells and platelets.
We'll see how I do.. I'm likely to die of some infection (pneumonia), kidney failure, a broken heart, some bowel issue or who knows. probably in weeks, maybe, hopefully months. I sure would like to see my 2 new grandbabies be born (Sept and Oct.).. but I am not confident of living that long. I may have a last hurrah left in me, as I live and stop doing chemo and seeing so many doctors.. sailing more, etc.
thanks for your caring and support.
lots of love, DAvid
love you, david! ~ lee
ReplyDeleteDear David- and Tara,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story. I am moved beyond words (especially beyond what this response can contain.) My mother passed from cancer two springs ago. She was at home and surrounded by family. And- no buts- she did not believe outwardly that she would go and so did not take the outwardly conscious steps to explore the issues then. But I have met her in dreams and in my waking hours many times, and she tells me that she is happy. And that she wants us to be happy. What a strange and wonderful world...
Much love and light to you,
Maria, Linnaeus, and River -and the rest of our household. They'll read this themselves <3
From Faye Brandmaier
ReplyDeleteHey David - you are one of my favorite people. All my favorite people either move away or cross over. There must be some kind of cosmic party there on the other side. Still, I'm not giving up on you yet. I just asked Werner this morning if he had heard from you when he got Tara's mail. I'm holding out for a miracle - if anyone deserves one, you do. You are truly a blessed human being and it is a blessing to know you. We'll see what happen's next. Much love to you - Faye
Thank you for sharing your journey, I have saved all your updates since this started. You are an inspiration about openness, processing, and consciousness and that's a lesson for us all. You have made a huge difference in this world, and in a very unique and wonderful way!
ReplyDeleteAlex
Hello dearest David and Tara,
ReplyDeleteThis is very kind, to be invited to keep company here with you and let our love hold you both now.
Very sweet to notice the body doing what it's doing and your words so clear and generous.
Let us know what comes to share or ask for here. I am singing you a James Taylor/Carole King you've got a friend lullaby.
love, Patrie
Oh and I am sharing our new grandbaby 1 week old with you!!
Dearest David and Tara,
ReplyDeleteI'm at a loss for words, but feel deeply moved by yours. My heart feels warmed and opened by your lovely healing energy.
Thank you for caring enough to share your journey.
Love,
Fran
David, I have thought a lot about you this past winter. I tried to return your e-mail but it kept coming back undeliverable. I was too weak to call as I was feeling the pounding of the chemo.
ReplyDeleteI understand your thoughts. The seemingly endless hours of sleep and then utter exhaustion. Death checking in to ask: "Do you really want this life?"
We do my friend! I felt, as you express, my belief in me - in something more that I will express in this world containing so many loving people.
I am happy to share that I am now cancer free all tests were negative. Your attitude is a powerful motivator. Keep on with your beautiful will and belief in Self. Miracles continue to happen as we adventure through life.
Peace & Love for you, David, as we journey together - John
David,
ReplyDeleteTara's e-mail with your blog link was forwarded today. I did not know about it when I saw you at the coop this morn. If I had, the words that I spoke would have been different but the hug still holds. And lets expand that hug to include Tara, your children and grandchild(ren), your loving family and friends. As I sat and thought about you I was reminded of a time a few years ago when you and I happened to be at Nan's together. I recall you told her she needed to put what energy she had into being and letting go. And so it was and so it is......
if you feel the need for spiritual healing with a shamanic intent you are welcome at the yurt with or without Chris and me. Long distance healing works well, too. With your permission we will send you healing.
I thank you and Tara for sharing. May you both be blessed and held in the light. Peace, comfort and ease to you.
much love,
Susan
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog and have been sitting with your words. Sitting with my sense of where you were when you wrote on Wednesday.
A part of me is telling myself that I shouldn't write because I don't know you well.
I'm writing anyway because your words have moved me, and I have always felt that we would be friends if we had reason to spend more time together. Your energy has always felt comfortable and familiar to me.
I mostly want to express my appreciation for your open sharing of where you are on your journey.
I think I would feel moved by your sharing under any circumstances, but I'm feeling particularly inspired because over the last several weeks I have been trying to gain comfort with my own future transition out of this life. (I'm not expecting my transition to be immanent, but the possibility of it being sooner than I had previously envisioned has been present.)
I'm appreciating my sense of your clarity about where you are (even the conflicting parts) and your openness to letting go of this life if your body continues to indicate that that's the direction it would like to go.
I feel inspired by my sense of your taking things moment by moment with an openness to all potential outcomes.
I mourn with you the loss of clear, ease-ful connection to your emotions because of the pain meds.
I'm sending you a big warm hug through the ether.
I look forward to spending more time with your energy in whatever form under whatever timescale.
(Tara, will you let me know if you'd like a meal brought over before I leave town in less than a week? If you would, will you call since I'm rarely on email these days? 930-5655.)
Warmth, light, dark, cool, sun, stars, moon, earth, energy, matter, rest, and soothing-ness to you,
Mitch
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have found my cousin Tara! It is wonderful that you are so happy together! I'm sure we will meet someday in a beautiful place. Here is a big hug from me!
love,
Jacque