Just Now

Waking up this morning I realize how outer focused I've been the past weeks and days. When I reread last nights post before submitting it, I noticed that I was out, out, out. Looking out for comfort, looking out for being ok or not, looking to outer circumstances to determine how to feel, how to be. Painful! I rested quietly upon waking today, breathing deeply, noticing I had returned to myself. Then I sat quietly and breathed for a few minutes, a mini meditation, the first in weeks. I feel calm, relaxed.

Yesterday a woman stopped by with flowers and a photo of David in Kenya shortly before he was diagnosed. She shared that she's kept that photo on her healing alter all these years. David knew she was holding him this way, and now she was bringing me the photo to have for the 20th. I was feeling so scattered I didnt' settle down long enough to really hear her. She said she was just here for a moment, I mumbled that there is so much adjusting to do, and her reply as she opened the door to leave was "yes, and . . . just Now, . . . just Now," a smile and she was gone. It took me till late last night to realize that I've been avoiding experiencing Now. I'm not sure what I've been afraid of, but I havent' wanted to be Here, so I've been Out There, and so no one has been Here, and I experience that as Lonely!!

This morning I notice a willingness to be, to see what is here now, in the present moment unencumbered by thoughts of past or future. That feels like wide open space inside, and moving slowly, with quiet curiosity, noticing right now what life is presenting. A few days ago a friend said "Life knows what it's doing." I loved that so much I wrote it down and posted it in the kitchen. When I hear that, I notice I relax, become part of things instead of believing I am separate, and it feels right.

Thank you Meredith for the "Just Now" teaching of yesterday. If you want, please come by again, or call. I'd like very much to visit with you.