Frazzled

I just realized I should probably say how I'm doing. Sometimes I feel frazzled like my nerve endings are all raw. The first couple nights after things shifted for David last week I felt like I used to after attending births- full of adreneline and not able to come down enough to sleep. The past few nights I've slept well, so that's helpful. I've cut back my hours at the store where I work into fewer days and shorter days. Yesterday I went there for 4 hrs, had good folks to be with David, but found myself feeling repeatedly afraid that things weren't ok at home.

11 days ago I had a nasty respiratory challenge where I spent one entire night worried each breath that it wasn't enough oxygen to get me to the next breath. I kept talking to myself, trying to stay calm, and litereally praying that I would make it to the morning. The next day I saw a doctor and learned that indeed I had severly restricted oxygen intake, just a few points away from justifying an emergency room visit. It has taken 10 days to get back to close to normal breathing, still sometimes I cough and cough, and perhaps some of the fear is left over from that. Death, so close by. Some friends have mentioned that in Chinese medicine, lungs are grief. So it's no surprize that I, who have never had resiratory vulnerability, am having it now. And I'm trying to find ways to nurture myself and to connect with the deep well of peace, ease and guidance that I have experienced as always available. I get there, and then I don't, back and forth like we all do, just particularly poignantly due to everything that is going on here.

We are going to hire someone to be here some of the time so we aren't so dependent on friends and family to cover the 24 hrs a day that's needed. We hope this will free us all up to be with David, to be relaxed or at least not totally fried for however long we are needed to be in super-care mode.

I am hoping to write a brief update most every day so you will all know what's going on.

love, Tara