sweet and hard

Hi All,

I want to share a couple of the stories of the past week before they become ancient history. The first is Tuesday Chrissy and 2 yr old Theo were going to visit. Chrissy and I talked in the morning and when she hung up she and Theo had a conversation that went like this. These are Theo's words. "That Tara? David ok? Tara's ok. David ok. Tara sad. Tara's ok." This is the baby that was born two days before David and I got married. Chrissy showed up here with eyes in big wide circles, amazed at what she just heard from her little boy! And that was just the beginning of the fun.

David and I have been looking for a rug for the living room for many months. It is an old wooden floor and we wanted to be able to sit, roll around, do yoga, etc. on a comfortable surface. We had many conversations about what exactly we wanted to put there. So, last weekend when I was in Portland, I looked and found a very pretty soft wool rug with perfect colors for the space, yellows, reds, blue/greens - it complements everything and doesnt' even clash with the funky green couches!

Lauren arrived too, and while we were all here, I asked if they'd help lay out the rug. David was alseep in the room, we moved out some of the bulky furniture, and he kept sleeping, Theo was playing cars on the floor, David still slept, I told David I was going to roll his bed out of the room so we could put down the rug. Still sleeping, we rolled him out, brought in the pad, and the rug, got them all to fit well, rolled David back in, over the bump of the new rug, and still he slept. And then Theo stepped on the rug, wiggled his little toes in the soft wool, started to dance and make joyful sounds. Someone said, "Oh, it's the happy rug dance!!" and David woke up. He sat up in bed, looked at Theo and smiled. He looked down at the rug and made some approving comment like "mmm, pretty, yea nice." Theo said "Stand up David," in the vibrant way two year olds can, and David did! He squished his toes in the rug, interacted with us, and was alert for the next 20 min or so.

This was the first time I realized that even now, David loves fun, and may respond to jubilant energy from people, and so not to keep that from him. We had been mostly solemn and silent in the room with him. Good to know!

So, Wednesday night when I came back from a Come Boating! meeting, I opted to share exuberently the topics of the meeting. It was a recap of the past year, and part of that is that Community Sailing which was started by David in 2009, grew this year to 7 skippers and 100 or so people out on the water who wouldn't otherwise have had the chance. Also, youth rowing which David and Cameron started together in 2009 has grown to 1-2 boats each week, 30 or more kids rowing this summer, and one boat continuing to go out even now at the end of October!! When David heard all this he said "mmm, cool!" and some other appreciative bits. We could tell he was taking in the impact he's had, and hearing me when I said "David, you will live on in all of this. We will think of you, and appreciate you for years to come. You are such a wonderful youth sailing instructor, adult instuctor, and rowing cox for the children, always making it light and fun!!" It was beautiful to feel him shining hearing those words. (If you don't know about Come Boating!, it's a group that helps to provide public access to the water here in Belfast, and is what we were up to the day he first asked me to dinner!! Check out comeboating.org if you want to know more. There are some great photos!!)

Thursday my father came to visit at the same time Gary and Glennon were here. First we talked in the kitchen for a bit, and then moved into the living room where David was. David wanted to get up, and we had the thought to take him outside in the wheelchair as it was beautiful and sunny. Gary and I were trying to figure out the best way to help David, who's legs are weaker every day, into the chair, and my Dad stepped in. He said "Stand behind him, and lower him into the chair, he'll feel safer sitting down that way." That took two of us, but was the perfect thing. Then he started explaining how to place his feet for comfort, and to drive backward for safety through doorways, so I said, "Dad, do you want to wheel him?" and he did. I asked my how he knew all this, and he said he didn't know. My family had cared for my grandmother when she needed it, but he said it wasn't from that. We spent a sweet warm half-hour outside, listening to Gary play, and then it seemed time to come in. My Dad again wheeled him in, helped him to sit on the side of the bed and then did something I've never seen anyone do. He wrapped his big strong arms around David, one behind his back, and one gently under his knees, and as easy as could be, he layed David back in bed with not even a grimace. Now, I have never seen my father do anything like this before, and was pretty much in awe of the whole thing. In the next room, I hugged my Dad and thanked him, and we cried together about how amazing it is to care, together, for this most wonderful husband of mine. The other thought that came at that point for me was, "I've never seen you, Dad, do a nurturing thing in your life." That felt pretty intense, and I wasn't sure it was true, and it certainly didn't feel kind or helpful at that moment, so I chose to keep it to myself. But as I thought my Dad was leaving, I made my way to the kitchen, sat in the corner curled over my knees, and cried.

My Dad and I have never been super close. I know he loves me, and will be there for me in a crisis if I need him, but mostly he's always been absorbed in his own life, often overwhelmed, and not very available. So I cried about what I think I've missed not having him closer, and I cried in gratitude for the crack that David's dying seems to have made in so many people's hearts, the crack that lets the light in. There is so much love available here, and connections that David would be so happy to know are happening here because of him. Thankyou thankyou to all you open hearted amazing people for loving the way you do, and showing up for this cranking open of our hearts. And thankyou Dad for showing your tenderness and your strength, in a way that only you could do.

love to all,

Tara