update

Hi All,

Just wanted to say that for David, things are pretty much as they were a few days ago. There have been sweet moments and hard moments and hopefully I'll get to write a few of those down in the next couple days. He's still walking a little, eating a little, using the toilet, and coherent for short bits each day. For me, it's been an emotional couple of days and I've just been too rattled to sit down and write. We are now needing coverage night and day, and it's a task to fill that time. But just in case any of us thinks that's hard, I just made an SOS call to the hospice nurse who said her last conversation was with a woman who is the only caregiver for a person with demetia, 24/7. I can't imagine it. Here there are so many loving hands, and still, sometimes some aspect of this is more than I can handle gracefully, and I need to regroup.

Today I got out for a walk in the amazing fall sunshine, and ended up fording a stream. While in the middle of the passage, with a strong current pushing against my legs, I looked upstream and at the water rushing to me and past me. "This feels so good", I told my friend, " being in the flow. This is how I always want to be, the open channel that Life moves through". And I told her about how I'd been praying with some of the hard things that were happening, that I could just be open to what I knew to do, and be willing to do that. I shared that I realized I've been resisting some things, most of them subtle, that are painful and leave me feeling restless and agitated. I could see that pattern, and in the seeing, return to myself, or as I heard tonight, return to my capital S Self, the larger me that's connected to all things. Nice. So then I was breathing and aware of my body, mind, heart, peace. After that I noticed I experienced ease and clarity (till the arrival of the next resistance!).

Tonight it came in the form of trying to get David to use the commode before bed. I was the only person here (except for Cameron who is sleeping). David said he had to pee, so I helped him get up and over to the seat. The getting there was hard, me moving David's limbs, giving instructions, insisting that it was safe to sit down, there was indeed a firm surface beneath him, etc. None of this did David seem to appreciate, and he told me so. It's hard to know how much he's right about and I can do something to change, and how much is the fact that giving up control is really hard for most of us, and particularly for David who is so strong willed.

One thing the nurse said when I called asking for help, is that it's hardest for the closest people to care for the one who is dying. She said "I've been a hospice nurse for 20 years, but when my mother was dying, it was really hard for me to care for her". And I thought I was just missing a gene! In this case it occured to me that David and I have the history of living side by side for 2 1/2 years and while we have been deeply sweetly close, we also struggled over day to day trivial things. Lots of little stuggles. So no wonder that when someone he has less history with suggests that he do something, he does it, and when I suggest the same thing, he won't budge. That of course is frustrating for me and so we're in a familar struggle. And someone pointed out this week that I seem to want to control many things, and suggested I stop. I'm glad for the reminder, and I am trying, and am aware this is a long time stuck place for me.

Ok, a little sweet image: this afternoon David's friend Gary came to visit with Glenon, his wife. At the same time my father arrived. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat outside for 30 mins or so, David in his 1st wheelchair ride at home, all of us gathered around, and Gary playing sweet fiddle tunes! At some point David started smiling at me, really intently and then he winked. Gary saw it too, and at first I thought it was a twitch but he did it again, and then Gary said "David, did you just wink at Tara?!! I think you're flirting with her!!" David smiled some more, and we laughed and laughed in joy and amazement that a guy who is hardly coherent could be clear enough to flirt with his wife! A nice moment to remember when the hard times come.

That feels like a good thought to go to sleep on.

much love,

Tara